Please Don’t Feed the Fears

You’ve probably heard the old Native American parable about the two wolves, but in case you haven’t, here it is in a nutshell. A Cherokee grandfather is teaching his grandson about life. He tells him that there are two wolves having a big fight within him. One is fear, with attendants like anger, resentment, guilt, envy and regret. The other is love, accompanied by friends like peace, compassion, kindness and truth. The boy asks which wolf will win. The grandfather says simply, “The one you feed.”

Fear has been sneaking up on me in a big way lately. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m spiraling into it until it’s too late. I feel inundated by news of the coronavirus, the election, the health of the planet, the homeless situation in my city, another mass shooting - and I could go on. It’s unavoidable. And it’s not just the media. It comes up in conversations at home and on the phone, via text message and on Facebook. Reminders of things that are potentially dire are all over the damn place. 

Fear often sneaks up on us when we’re not looking, but then we keep feeding it with more of the same. Negative thoughts, wild “what-if” scenarios and pointless fist shaking can eventually lead to coming up for air and realizing you’ve just wasted 75 minutes of your life freaking out about how viruses work, whether or not you’ll ever go to a movie theater again and what it would take to move to Canada. And that doesn’t even count the various “lizard brain” fears that are regular visitors. Those are the ones that whisper in my ear that I’m a fraud, a procrastinator, too fat, too lazy and that I’ve missed the boat on everything from smart investing to learning how to ski. But that’s a topic for a later blog post….

I know that worrying is more or less a part of life. I’d just like it to be less instead of more.

Worrying all the time feels like sh*t, doesn’t actually change anything and can actively take away from my enjoyment in the present moment - especially when I’m worrying about things that I have zero control over. And that doesn’t even cover how it can impact my physiology. Constant worry contributes to elevated cortisol, insomnia, stress eating, poor digestion and much more. In general, fear keeps me feeling stuck and helpless, not dynamic or engaged.

The truth about fear is that it grabs our attention for a reason. We are neurologically wired to respond to negative stimuli over positive. It’s a safety mechanism leftover from the beginning of evolution and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon. But just because I’m invited to the dark side doesn’t mean I have to go there and I certainly don’t have to linger. Life is short and I want to spend as much of it as I can feeding the second wolf, not the first, so here are some of the things I’m doing to help make that happen.

I’m focusing on avoiding the tendency to amplify the fear in my own mind. This means being cautious about engaging in worst case scenarios, not spending time googling how fast pandemics spread or what the latest election polls say, and being just fine with turning off The Daily podcast when I feel like it could possibly invoke a minor anxiety attack. It means that while I may swipe right on my phone for the latest headlines, I don’t have to follow them all the way down the rabbit hole. It means that when I’m heatedly chatting with my BFF about politics, I can, at any time, stop and point out that we do not need to give “you know who” one more second of our precious time today and then switch the subject.

I’m working on actively changing the channel in my mind when the fear gets too prevalent. Sometimes just putting down my phone is enough. So is changing the scenery by getting up and taking a walk - even if it’s just into the other room. Other times I choose to journal about it as a way of purging or I literally coach myself out of my fear paralysis. One of the perks of being a coach is that I can use my tools on myself.

I’m continuing to do things that bring me joy like walking around Green Lake, cooking delicious food, thinking about what I’ll plant in my garden this spring, working on my writing and sending funny GIFS back and forth to my friends.

I’m actively prioritizing self care in the form of all things chill. This means yoga and breath work and only bingeing on TV shows with my husband that don’t make me want to hide my head under a blanket because they’re too scary.

I’m not hiding my head in the sand though. There’s a difference between being informed and engaged and being wary and vigilant. Due to COVID-19 I’m taking extra precautions to more regularly wash my hands, wipe off the handle of the grocery cart and all the other things I can do to avoid getting sick. I’m reading up on the candidates in the upcoming primary so that I can make an educated choice on my ballot. I volunteer at Crisis Connections, do my part as citizen concerned about climate change and overall do what I can to responsibly show up in the world with empathy and compassion.

Change starts with awareness followed by intention, but it’s not easy to stop feeding the fear. Those two wolves will always be going at it, and bearing in mind that the first wolf is easier to feed, it can take some effort to pull away and then dig a little deeper to feed the second wolf. That’s why I’ll continue to practice redirecting my attention and keep choosing to consciously stock up on the things that nourish the wolf of love instead of empowering the wolf of fear.

xo

Lisa